Butterflies…

Butterflies…

posted in: Blog, My Life | 2

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Butterflies… that’s the best way I can describe the feeling in my stomach as I sit here thinking of the many feelings going on inside of me.  The one thing I do know is that I’m so happy to have at last found a blog theme I like, that has actually worked when I set up the basics, and that I’ve been able to teach myself enough of it to finally start blogging the way I’ve wanted to for over a year!!  It will be some time before it is set up the way I envisioned, but at least I have a site to share more on now, as I continue to learn my way around. 🙂

As for the butterflies, they aren’t exactly what I would call nerves, but they aren’t exactly what I’d call excitement either… They’re more a combination of both, the extreme of two opposites.  In truth, although I have so many positive things to share, they’re the kind of butterflies that I wish would just go away.  To say I’ve been working hard all year, to help with our apartment reno… both step by step on our own, as well as reaching out for those long shots that could just make dreams come true…would be an understatement.  It’s the reason it took this long to figure out my blog!  But with my Christmas wish last year being to at last have a home this year, to decorate and celebrate the holidays in with family and friends, and my New Years Resolution being “not to give up hope”… no matter how many positive things I’ve been excited to tell, getting “close” doesn’t really work in this case.

I’m a jumble of mixed emotion.  I can’t exactly say I have nothing to show for everything.  In fact a lot has happened, and is in the process of moving forward, that does fill my heart and give me hope… so keep your eye out for entries under the category “Flash Back”, as I will be posting those, mixed within current events, to catch you up on all that has happened that I’ve been so anxious to tell.  That being said, it also feels like its all been one great big tease at the same time.  My physical health has continued to decline as the year has gone on, one thing that can’t be denied or hidden no matter how much positivity one has, and the exhaustion that comes with that…along with the reality of what little time there is left in the year… leaves me with butterflies that are really a mixture of my physical symptoms of nausea and then simple helpless tears.  I want to believe that anything is still possible, the way I always have every year, but after three years waiting and dreaming, holding a picture in my head of that healing happy place becoming a reality, and knowing that this could now very possibly be my last holiday with everyone (before the increasingly riskier surgery that can’t wait another year), the reality hits in.  How much this means becomes even that much more.  It’s my wish to have a chance to enjoy the laughter and happiness of those I love and to be part of the spirit of the season that has always been my favorite time of year… not for the presents, but for the energy and ambiance of family and fun and what once made me love life so much that I’ve fought so hard to get it back for this long.  

Mental, emotional and physical butterflies…it couldn’t have been simple and just been the flu! lol  Oh well, as with everything in life the three go hand in hand, one affecting the other anyway.  I may as well have all of them as the cause of symptoms, allows for more options to help treat them :).  As sad as I am about what seems almost impossible, the best thing I can do to help my health now is redirect my energy to how happy it will make me to finally start filling in all thats happened!  In addition, the fun of sharing the design story of our renovation so far and the visions I’ve had for it, even if we don’t know what the final outcome will be.  No matter what happens, one things for sure… whether it’s mental, emotional or physical, this blog promises never to be less than entertaining! (I just hope you all enjoy joining me on my crazy ride no matter how good or bad things may be :)…)

2 Responses

  1. Nancy Jones
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    I am glad to ‘hear’ from you but sad that your dreams have not been realized. I would love to come see you sometime and catch up. Perhaps we can have a mini reunion of those who have journeyed with you through the struggles. I am praying for God’s peace to fill you with light through the darkness. Love you Maria!

  2. Gail Haas
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    Miss you guys! This is a great idea for you. Hugs to Mom please.

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