Heartbroken!

posted in: Blog, My Life | 1

Long time no post I know :)… Not sure how to explain what my heart has been feeling recently, except to say… imagine working towards the biggest dream you have, something that is the passion you live for that gets you up in the morning and makes your eyes sparkle and your heart lift… there is an impossible dream that comes along once in a lifetime, that you never give up hope for, because hope is all you have, but if it happens it requires you to pitch the perfect simple presentation to know why to pick you for that dream and why you are the perfect one for it… whether it’s a job, a school, an audition, etc… After a couple of years you get that phone call, but it comes when you’ve just been shocked with some of the most emotional kind of news, things that have made your mind go from being centered on the story you know so clear and well, to suddenly jumping all over the place… knowing you need to focus on one thing, but seeing the bigger picture and deeper meaning and the importance of what is really happening… Suddenly the most important call you have dreamt of for so long doesn’t go at all the way it is suppose to and you don’t even get to share the most important thing you planned to tell in the first place, what is most meaningful and urgent right now in order to make the impact you need so that you have a chance to move on to then share that bigger picture. You mess up the dream you’ve worked so hard towards all because of the shock of other things happening in life… and the worst part is, instead of excitement and hope while waiting, you now know that not getting the dream isn’t because you got to present who you are and the real story of what is happening… it’s based on decisions that are made off of you not being yourself that day, off of doing your best to grab at background facts leading up to what matters because you didn’t even know how much time you had and never got to finish. I was already shaking with such nervous excitement that to have no direction from the beginning, only to mess it all up by the end, has left me with butterflies in my belly and such sadness… feeling as if I have watched my biggest dream pass me by.

My head says it’s silly and not to give up hope… but my heart feels the loss and can’t believe how awful the timing was. Why, of all things?… if only I could have a redo!  If only I could share what I always dreamed of, ask them what they want to know if I can’t focus all my thoughts so it doesn’t seem overwhelming, and tell them honestly how much it means to me and my family, as well as those supporting us all these years. The miracle and amount of happiness it would bring, not once but every single day that followed, giving me strength to keep fighting, that is the part that makes it so hard for me to simply let go.  It’s only my spirit and my heart that keep me going… though I know we need the material help of finishing our Apt. so that I can continue with all the things that are filling my heart in that way.  Other than that, my dreams are about the happiness they bring and the experiences I would get to be a part of and most of all the people who I would be a part of them with who have helped me keep smiling.  My inspirations and extended family.

I hope that wasn’t the final call… I hope someone out there see’s enough to take the time to meet the real me and then decides if this isn’t a story full of passion and love and strength and the desire to help others.  But also realizes it’s about doing that with what time I have left and that those days are running out… that not knowing what is coming, it’s about having a chance to do things before the surgery that is needed, a bit of happiness to refuel.  If I don’t survive, it’s my chance to be a part of some wonderful things and leave my parents with stability and a beautiful happy ending to a long fight.  I of course hope I make it to be part of all the good continuing to grow after… but either way it is about doing something good with a life that has been both beautiful and beyond heartbreaking… finding purpose from all the pain that I continue to fight through for so long.  I hope dreams still can come true…even when you think you’ve botched them! 🙂  This is when you have to believe in trusting in something bigger… and never give up hope…

One Response

  1. Jerry
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    Oh Maria, I am so sorry to hear of your disappointment. I wished you could not be so hard on yourself. But it is understandable—you have been through so much, and your heart is so filled with love, and your dreams are to be able to express that love in tangible ways.
    You have already taught everyone you have touched, the power of love and the power of hope. You are precious beyond words.
    Blessings to you, Dear One, Jerry

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