Frozen…that’s how I’ve felt these past days, that feeling that leads to people saying “earth to …. “. After working so hard, doing the very best I can to follow my heart, to find happiness and keep on living even when limited by physical complications that are like a pre-surgical prison… there are times when the exhaustion and feeling of helplessness take over. Even with amazing, positive things happening, I still find myself staring at the screen… not knowing the “right” thing to do next out of the choices in front of me or which one to do first, to be able to transfer all I’m doing offline onto the screen in front of me to share with you. It’s a frustrating feeling, knowing that time I spend learning and then setting things up, is time I should be writing and sharing the content that is the purpose of it all! These are the days that lead to thoughts of the full story… and ultimately to my choice of topic for today.
“Practice What You Preach”…
…A cliché that goes hand in hand with “easier said than done”…LoL…right now though, it feels like these two sayings fit perfectly with how I feel. The only part that doesn’t fit is “preach”, one thing I never intend to do when sharing my story. 🙂 What I share is purely what I’ve learned from my own life and from personal experience… as well as observing others, studying and continuing to educate myself along the way… but anything I say is because it’s what has worked or didn’t work for me, in the end whatever resonates with you is for you to decide and absolutely perfect for the design of your story.
We watched Riddick over the weekend…and like Vin Diesel says in the beginning, “There are hard days and then, there are legendary hard days. This was turning out to be one of those days…”. LoL It’s those “legendary hard days” that I find myself repeating the same inner messages in my head, the self talk that I feel like I’ve been practicing for over 15 years. But I realized, although the message may be the same, the subject is what changes and it’s that subject that is like the different layer of an onion. The onion is the same… as the message is the same… but what is happening is at a much deeper layer of the onion… a much deeper level of the heart.
Survival for me requires truly living in the moment, finding the good in NOW and the happiness in each day, concentrating on filling my heart in whatever way gives me strength to wake up and start again tomorrow. When days come where the pain is so bad that I can’t control it… that it even stands in the way of being able to do the things that allow me to work towards the dreams that fill my heart… these are the days that are the hardest, when my mind will slip out of the moment, and I can definitely say that almost all self talk is “easier said then done”. 😉
This is when I go to my heart and remind myself that what I’ve been through is very real, not to mention huge (ha!), and then I think about the beliefs and practices that have helped get me this far… love, forgiveness, kindness, compassion (for others and for myself) and most of all in relation to now, trust that the timing of things is perfect… exactly as it’s meant to be. Suddenly I found myself with a pile worth of blog content, trying to decide what to choose for today, after waiting so long to share it all.
In the end it’s not about one of these things more than another, in fact days like these are when I have to honor that I’m only human and let myself feel the sadness that takes over. I have time to remember the past and to see the full story like a film strip in my head… to remember back to the happiness and visions of fun. But what makes it even harder, is knowing that what I told the doctors then was all they needed to know to run the right tests, fix the problem, and allow that happiness to continue. One 15 min surgery… if just one doctor had believed in me.
Thinking back brings up the message I am most passionate about fighting for, the reason I want to share my story and truth in hopes that it can help others and help make a difference in the world… Everyone should be seen for who they are, without judgement or stereotyping and everyone deserves to be believed in until proven otherwise. The world is upside down… people no longer “innocent until proven guilty”. It isn’t just in the medical field, my story just happens to be a medical example… one that shows the extreme of what can happen if you don’t listen and see the truth, that there is a unique difference between every person (patient). In the end it may even mean the difference between life and death.
I found this paragraph at the end of an old journal entry, about a week before we left on our road trip. I wanted to post it that night, but maybe timing worked as it did because it’s perfect for now… for the emotion and thoughts that all come up when I’ve done all that I can, yet feel helpless to do what’s needed to save my life. I’m grateful for the mental, emotional and physical beliefs that I’ve been able to practice and do for myself… it’s honestly why I’m alive today :)… but it’s an awful feeling to be truly helpless in saving your own life, instead dependent on a surgeon having the courage to take a chance with you.
Journal entry ~ August 8, 2008 (last paragraph)
“…I’ve lived… I’ve loved… I’ve laughed… and I’ve learned… and I will die… though that has yet to be determined :)…
To all Dr.’s I say only one thing, “BELIEVE IN YOUR PATIENT… and I don’t mean “at first” or “mostly” or “99.9% sure”. I mean with conviction, I mean believe in yourself enough to believe in them even when the answer is hard to see, or when that part in you that doesn’t trust causes doubt. It only takes one person to believe in someone to save a life… and of course the skill of someone to do what needs to be done if it’s surgical. But, with belief, you can take action… and with action the world can change!”